Sorry I haven’t been posting this week – I got sick. Not sick in the head, like, sick sick. However, I have now been HEALED thanks to a discovery of today’s featured historical figure, Sir Alexander Turberville Fleming!
In 1928 Ol’ Flemming isolated the substance we now call penecilin from a fungus! His discovery has saved millions of f*ckers since! What an awesome guy!
Meh-Teh, or Yeti as he’s more commonly known here in the West, is native to the Himalaya region of Nepal and Tibet. He is one of the most famous creatures in the field of cryptozoology!
Another native term for him is Bonmanche, or “wild man.”
The term “Abominable Snowman” wasn’t coined until 1921. It began when a reporter from an Indian newspaper mistranslated a Sherpa term used to describe the creature who could have left large tracks encountered by Lieutenant-Colonel Charles Howard-Bury on the Royal Georgraphical Society’s Everest reconnaissance expedition.
Many experts think that Meh-Teh is the offspring of a forbidden sexual union between a resident of Atlantis and a human.
Today’s one-minute sketch is of the Tiger of the South – Emiliano Zapata Salazar!
Zapata was a key figure in the Mexican Revolution against the unfunky dictatorship of Porfirio Díaz. Even though he liked flashy cowboy attire, he did not like the proto-capitalist feudal system of the haciendas, and fought for the rights of Native Americans and mestizos who were often forced into debt slavery.
F*ck “The Man”!
Arminius was a German tribal leader from the northern Rhine valley who defeated the Roman army lead by Emperor Tiberius’s bratty-ass nephew in the 1st century BC.
Earlier in life Arminius had been trianed as a Roman military commander, and even attained citizenship – but later decided to go home and drive the Romans out!
Yes, he really did wear that pimp helmet with the wings!
This guy is, like, totally my favorite ethnographer ever. I mean, how many other ethnographers do you even know by name? And if you know another one, is their name as cool as Thor?!? F*ck no.
Heyerdahl became most famous for his expedition on the Kon-Tiki. He and his road dogs thought that the Polynesian Islands coulda been settled by South Americans way back in the day. So, Thor built a straw raft based on old Spanish Conquistador drawings of Inca vessels – and took off to prove his point! His boat smashed into a reef in the Tuamotu Islands on August 7, 1947.
Heyerdahl also did extensive studies on those pimp-ass heads on Easter Island. Clearly, the mighty Thor was into cool sh*t.
Production note: I took longer than a minute to draw this one – I wanted to include the boat. It took me closer to four minutes today.
Bonus Friday Sketch!
David Coverdale’s hair reached historic proportions during the Whitesnake period – YouTube the “Here I Go Again” video and behold its wind-swept majesty.
There can be no doubt that this is the most amazing quaf ever!
Meet famous psychologist, feminist theorist, and comic book creator Dr. William Moulton Marston!
Not only did he create the modern polygraph lie detector and Wonder Woman, he also created a progressive polygamist home life!
The same year he graduated from Harvard, Marston married Elizabeth Holloway, who went on to earn an M.A. and a law degree. Later, when he was teaching at Tufts University, Marston met a student named Olive – and brought her into the love nest.
Marston had two children with each of his wives.
After blowing the sh*t out of the axis forces as a bomber pilot in WWII, Don Herbert returned to Chicago and began teaching generations of American children how to blow the sh*t out of regular household items with two hit television shows, Watch Mr. Wizard and Mr. Wizard’s World.
What an awesome guy!
Though how he could tolerate the dumbf*ck kids they stuck him with for all those years, I don’t know. I mean, seriously, they were f*cking mutants.
Today’s one-minute sketch is of famed Carthaginian military commander, and father of modern military tactics, Hannibal.
He was a mighty sh*t kicker, and used elephants to run roughshot over the Roman Empire in the Second Punic War! He shook the sh*t out of the Romans so bad that for generations, whenever disaster struck or a loud noise was heard, people would exclain “Hannibal ad portas!” – which translates to “Hannibal is at the gates!”
What’s cooler than a mu’f*kin’ caveman?
A frozen caveman.
So, what’s cooler than a frozen caveman?
NOTHING!
In 1991 two German tourists found ol’ Ötzi sticking out the side of glacier in the Alps on the border between Austria and Italy. The Austrian authorities on the scene were total f*cking knuckleheads – they let tourists take pieces of his clothes and sh*t for souvenirs until real scientists showed up.
After study, the Iceman was determined to be 53 centuries old! He was 5 ft., 5 in. tall and 46 years old at time of his death. They put a probe up his pooper and found two meals up in there – one was chamois meat, and the other red deer. Some grains, fruits, and roots were also mixed up in that sh*t.
He also had a bronze axe, a flint knife, and over 57 tattoos!
Nothing cool like a skull or a Lynard Skynard logo – just some lame lines and dots down his spine and on his knee and on his ankle.
Meet Italian playwright, author, and Nobel Prize winner Luigi Pirandello! He wrote my favorite play Sei Personaggi in Cerca d’Autore, or Six Character in Search of an Author.
When the play opened at the Valle di Roma, it was a total f*ckin’ failure – Pirandello and his daughter had to run out the side exit to avoid an angry mob!
People in Milan dug it though, and so did the rest of the world.
F*ck Rome.
Unfortunately, Pirandello was a big ol’ fascist and publicly stated the fact. So, like, that’s not cool. He even gave his Nobel Prize medal to the Fascist government to be melted down for the Abyssinia Campaign.
Originally from Oahu, Hawaii, Salevaa Atisanoe became the first American ever to achieve the rank of ozeki (champion) in Japanese sumo wrestling! He was a big mu’f*cker, and his nickname was “The Dump Truck.”
He retired in 1997 with one of the best records in sumo history, 733-498 – not too bad of a life for a big fat f*ck!
I think we should be more like Japan – round up all of our really fat f*ckers, slap ‘em in adult diapers, and make them fight like Kirk and Spock during the pon farr.
Known to Russians as the “Columbus of the Cosmos,” Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space, reaching orbit on April 12, 1961!
Bonus Friday Futurist!
Not to be confused with the Pringles chip guy, Carlo Carrà was an Italian painter, a leader of the Futurist movement, and an anarchist!
He is best know for his painting The Funeral of the Anarchist Galli. The subject of the painting is about the funeral of his homeboy and fellow anarchist Angelo Galli, who was gakked by the police during a strike in 1904. The government didn’t want all the anarchists hanging out together, so they blocked entry into the cemetary.
Sh*t jumpped off.
The rockin’ history sketch for Friday is of the Italian Futurist, Luigi Russolo! Russolo was a painter and composer, but is most famous for drafting the manefesto entitled The Art of Noises – making him the first theorist on electronic music!
The Futurists were all about f*cking machines – sometimes literally! They felt that through the machine, man could forge a new, utopian future. Their hopes were totally squashed by WWI, when the world witnessed how destructive machines like tanks, automatic weapons, and airplane bombers could be.
George Washington Carver was an educator and botanical researcher who taught former slaves how to farm for self-sufficiency.
In the South, cotton farming had damaged the soil so he began to advocate alternative crops like peanuts! His most successful way of promoting the peanut was to make, like, a gazillion things out of them. Paints, dyes, nitroglycerin, gasoline. . .the list goes on and on!
Hammurabi was the sixth king of Babylon. He ran roughshot over Mesopotamia, and dropped the world’s first written code of laws! Look below and read a sampling from Hammurabi himself!
Meet American pioneer, hunter, and frontiersman Daniel Boone! He explored and founded the state of Kentucky, was captured by Shawnees, fought in a coupla wars, and was an all-around “woodsy” kinda guy.
Often his exploits found him away from home for extended periods of time. Once he was gone so long that his wife Rebecca assumed that he had died, started getting it on with his brother Ned, and got preggers!
Daniel was, like, cool with it though.
Yes, his wife did give birth to his nephew though. . . but remeber, it’s Kentucky.
Daniel Boone was also one of America’s first graffiti artists! The mu’fucker taged EVERYWHERE he went – caves, trees, dumpsters, or whatever! One of his most famous tags is on a tree in Washington County, TN and reads “D. Boon Cilled a. Bar [killed a bear] on [this] tree in the year 1760″.
Manly man, yes. Good speller, no.
Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson, A.K.A. the Marquise de Pompadour was the bangin’-hot mistress of King Louis XV.
People thought she was hot cuz she was smart, very effeminate, and had a small mouth (use your imagination).
I dunno if it was because she’s another French person, or if it was all the ruffles, or the aristocratic ties – but I just wasn’t feelin’ it today. Oh well, a minute sketch is a minute sketch.
F*ck Luke Skywalker “force” bullsh*t – Miyamoto Musashi had real mad skills! 9.7 out of 10 historians agree that this dude from the Harima province in Japan was the best swordsman of all time! He was fugly as all get-out and suffered from eczema, but he’d chop your unclef*ckin’ head off and not think twice about it!
Musashi believed, like, that others should know how to kill f*ckers good too – so he wrote a “how-to” book on tactics and sh*t kicking called “The Book of the Five Rings.”
