Ötzi the Iceman

What’s cooler than a mu’f*kin’ caveman?

A frozen caveman.

So, what’s cooler than a frozen caveman?

NOTHING!

In 1991 two German tourists found ol’ Ötzi sticking out the side of glacier in the Alps on the border between Austria and Italy.  The Austrian authorities on the scene were total f*cking knuckleheads – they let tourists take pieces of his clothes and sh*t for souvenirs until real scientists showed up.

After study, the Iceman was determined to be 53 centuries old!  He was 5 ft., 5 in. tall and 46 years old at time of his death.  They put a probe up his pooper and found two meals up in there – one was chamois meat, and the other red deer.  Some grains, fruits, and roots were also mixed up in that sh*t.

He also had a bronze axe, a flint knife, and over 57 tattoos!

Nothing cool like a skull or a Lynard Skynard logo – just some lame lines and dots down his spine and on his knee and on his ankle.

Ötzi the Iceman

Published in: on August 31, 2007 at 5:54 pm  Comments (1)  

Luigi Pirandello

Meet Italian playwright, author, and Nobel Prize winner Luigi Pirandello! He wrote my favorite play Sei Personaggi in Cerca d’Autore, or Six Character in Search of an Author.

When the play opened at the Valle di Roma, it was a total f*ckin’ failure – Pirandello and his daughter had to run out the side exit to avoid an angry mob!

People in Milan dug it though, and so did the rest of the world.

F*ck Rome.

Unfortunately, Pirandello was a big ol’ fascist and publicly stated the fact. So, like, that’s not cool. He even gave his Nobel Prize medal to the Fascist government to be melted down for the Abyssinia Campaign.

Luigi Pirandello

Published in: on August 29, 2007 at 2:21 pm  Comments (1)  

Konishiki (Salevaa Atisanoe)

Originally from Oahu, Hawaii, Salevaa Atisanoe became the first American ever to achieve the rank of ozeki (champion) in Japanese sumo wrestling! He was a big mu’f*cker, and his nickname was “The Dump Truck.”

He retired in 1997 with one of the best records in sumo history, 733-498 – not too bad of a life for a big fat f*ck!

I think we should be more like Japan – round up all of our really fat f*ckers, slap ’em in adult diapers, and make them fight like Kirk and Spock during the pon farr.

Konishiki

Published in: on August 28, 2007 at 1:42 pm  Leave a Comment  

Юрий Гагарин (Yuri Gagarin)

Known to Russians as the “Columbus of the Cosmos,” Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space, reaching orbit on April 12, 1961!

Yuri Gagarin

Published in: on August 27, 2007 at 2:14 pm  Leave a Comment  

Carlo Carrà

Bonus Friday Futurist!

Not to be confused with the Pringles chip guy, Carlo Carrà was an Italian painter, a leader of the Futurist movement, and an anarchist!

He is best know for his painting The Funeral of the Anarchist Galli. The subject of the painting is about the funeral of his homeboy and fellow anarchist Angelo Galli, who was gakked by the police during a strike in 1904. The government didn’t want all the anarchists hanging out together, so they blocked entry into the cemetary.

Sh*t jumpped off.

Carlo Carrà

Published in: on August 24, 2007 at 3:24 pm  Comments (1)  

Luigi Russolo

The rockin’ history sketch for Friday is of the Italian Futurist, Luigi Russolo! Russolo was a painter and composer, but is most famous for drafting the manefesto entitled The Art of Noises – making him the first theorist on electronic music!

The Futurists were all about f*cking machines – sometimes literally! They felt that through the machine, man could forge a new, utopian future. Their hopes were totally squashed by WWI, when the world witnessed how destructive machines like tanks, automatic weapons, and airplane bombers could be.

Luigi Russolo – father of electronic music

Published in: on August 24, 2007 at 1:58 pm  Comments (1)  

George Washington Carver

George Washington Carver was an educator and botanical researcher who taught former slaves how to farm for self-sufficiency.

In the South, cotton farming had damaged the soil so he began to advocate alternative crops like peanuts!  His most successful way of promoting the peanut was to make, like, a gazillion things out of them.  Paints, dyes, nitroglycerin, gasoline. . .the list goes on and on!

George Washington Carver

Published in: on August 23, 2007 at 2:27 pm  Comments (2)  

Hammurabi

Hammurabi was the sixth king of Babylon. He ran roughshot over Mesopotamia, and dropped the world’s first written code of laws!  Look below and read a sampling from Hammurabi himself!

Hammurabi

Published in: on August 22, 2007 at 9:05 pm  Comments (2)  

Daniel Boone

Meet American pioneer, hunter, and frontiersman Daniel Boone! He explored and founded the state of Kentucky, was captured by Shawnees, fought in a coupla wars, and was an all-around “woodsy” kinda guy.

Often his exploits found him away from home for extended periods of time. Once he was gone so long that his wife Rebecca assumed that he had died, started getting it on with his brother Ned, and got preggers!

Daniel was, like, cool with it though.

Yes, his wife did give birth to his nephew though. . . but remeber, it’s Kentucky.

Daniel Boone was also one of America’s first graffiti artists! The mu’fucker taged EVERYWHERE he went – caves, trees, dumpsters, or whatever! One of his most famous tags is on a tree in Washington County, TN and reads “D. Boon Cilled a. Bar [killed a bear] on [this] tree in the year 1760”.

Manly man, yes. Good speller, no.

Daniel Boone – original graffiti artist and poor speller

Published in: on August 21, 2007 at 6:08 pm  Leave a Comment  

Madame de Pompadour

Jeanne-Antoinette Poisson, A.K.A. the Marquise de Pompadour was the bangin’-hot mistress of King Louis XV.

People thought she was hot cuz she was smart, very effeminate, and had a small mouth (use your imagination).

I dunno if it was because she’s another French person, or if it was all the ruffles, or the aristocratic ties – but I just wasn’t feelin’ it today.  Oh well, a minute sketch is a minute sketch.

Madame de Pompadour – had a small mouth

Published in: on August 20, 2007 at 2:00 pm  Comments (1)  

宮本 武蔵 (Miyamoto Musashi)

F*ck Luke Skywalker “force” bullsh*t – Miyamoto Musashi had real mad skills! 9.7 out of 10 historians agree that this dude from the Harima province in Japan was the best swordsman of all time! He was fugly as all get-out and suffered from eczema, but he’d chop your unclef*ckin’ head off and not think twice about it!

Musashi believed, like, that others should know how to kill f*ckers good too – so he wrote a “how-to” book on tactics and sh*t kicking called “The Book of the Five Rings.”

Musashi Miyamoto, king of all shit kickers

Published in: on August 17, 2007 at 3:10 pm  Comments (1)  

Dick Valentine of the Electric Six

You’re thinking: Hey Jeremy, why is lead singer of the Electric Six on the history sketches page?

The answer to that foolish mortal, is quite simple. I’m putting the unclef*cking ROCK in the MY HISTORY SKETCHES ROCK page. And with their upcoming album entitled “I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being The Master,” Dick and the E6 will be making f*cking history by having the best selling rock album in the universe!

But it can’t happen without your help puny human. You should buy a copy – and you should tell your mother to buy a copy.

If she doesn’t. . .exterminate her.

Dick Valentine

Published in: on August 16, 2007 at 3:17 pm  Comments (1)  

Gustave Flaubert

Today’s historical superf*cker is Gustave Flaubert, author of the most salacious French novel of the 1850s, Madame Bovary.

Flaubert was a perfectionist, and was known to have spent up to a week drafting a single page!  He was also a misanthrope – he despised the bourgeois (who doesn’t?) as well as his fellow man.  He dated the poet Louis Colet, but that was, like, his only real girlfriend.

Flaubert f*cked prostitutes and lived with most of his life with V.D.

I just like to say his name: fla-owbert. . . fla-owbert. . .

Gustave Flaubert

Published in: on August 15, 2007 at 2:12 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Amazing Criswell

Criswell started by selling vitamins on local L.A. TV stations, but soon wowed 1950s America with his amazing psychic predictions! His powers earned him appearances on the Jack Paar show, national syndication, and Mae West as a homie.

He famously predicted that Denver would be struck by a space ray that would turn all metal to rubber (causing total calamity at amusement parks), and that the world would end in mass cannibalism on Aug. 18, 1999. He also predicted that JFK would not run for re-election because something was going to happen to him in November 1963.

As you can see, his hair was just as amazing as his mighty mental prowess! He also slept in a coffin.

P.S. Thanks to my co-worker Becky for “loaning” me her pen.

The Amazing Criswell

Published in: on August 14, 2007 at 2:44 pm  Comments (3)  

Karlheinz Brandenburg

Karlheinz Brandenburg is the coolest mu’ f*cker EVER!

Why? Cuz I like music, and I like it free.

Ol’ Karl is none other than the mu f*ckin’ inventor of the Moving Picture [Expert Group Level] 3 [Compression] – A.K.A. the MP3!  He didn’t make much money off of the invention, but now the record companies aren’t makin’ much money either!

I, personally, can’t thank this dude enough.  Too bad the coolest guy gets the crappiest drawing – my pen is running out of ink.  Time to steal another one from a co-worker. . .

Karlheinz Brandenburg – coolest f*cker ever.

Published in: on August 13, 2007 at 2:18 pm  Comments (2)  

Marie LaVeau

Behold Marie LaVeau, the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans!

This daughter of a white cracker-ass cracker and a free Creole black became a hairdresser, the madame of a brothel, and a f*cking force of supernatural might! Don’t like your neighbor? Marie will set his nertz on fire!

Her obituary on June 16, 1881, but get this: there were confirmed sightings of her after her supposed passing! Escaping death is real ultimate power, and very rad!

She also had a pet snake named “Zombi.” That too is rad.

Marie LaVeau

Now behold her in magestic, patented Voodoo-vision™!!!

Marie in Voodoo-vision!

Published in: on August 9, 2007 at 3:03 pm  Leave a Comment  

Empedocles

Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite pre-Socratic philosopher, Empedocles!

Like all good students of Pythagoras, he taught that all matter is made up of four elements: earth, wind, and fire – wait, no. . . earth, air, fire and water. Anyway, whatever. In addition to the previously mentioned funk mega-group, Empedocles postulated something called Love to explain the attraction of different forms of matter, and of something called Strife to account for their separation. He was also the first to state that light moved at a finite speed!

It’s rumored that he died by throwing himself into an active volcano so that his homeboys would think that he, like, transcended his body and became a god! What a weirdo.

Hot foot!

Published in: on August 8, 2007 at 5:49 pm  Comments (3)  

Alec Issigonis

Soon after WWII, England found itself faced with the Suez Canal crisis. The folks at the Morris company went to automobile designer Alec Issigonis and said, “Hey homie, big cars are costing us a f*ck ton of cash – can you do something about that?”

Thus, the MINI was born! To make more interior room, Alec pushed the wheels all the way to the corners of the vehicle and turned the engine sideways.

Note: I took a little longer than a minute because I decided to add the car. This sketch took closer to five minutes to complete today – just keepin’ it real with ya’ll.

Alec Issigonis, a Greek man who made British cars.

Published in: on August 3, 2007 at 2:51 pm  Comments (3)  

Sadie the Goat

Sadie the Goat was one of many ruffians on the horse sh*t filled streets the Fourth Ward in lower Manhattan during the 1860s. But what makes her a super f*cker of note is that she always HEADBUTTED her victims!

As if that wasn’t awesome enough, she went on after that to become a pirate! Sadie and her homies would row out to vessels in the North River and clime up ancor chains to spoils and booty!

Trivia: One time Sadie pissed off a bouncer in a bar and had her ear bitten off – kinda cool, huh?
Ung, my head!  Sadie the Goat

Published in: on August 2, 2007 at 4:05 pm  Leave a Comment  

El Santo

Okay, Hulk Hogan was pretty cool but what if you, like, mixed him with Batman, made him Mexican, and gave him a cooler cape? You’d have the most amazing Mexican ever – El Santo! Not only did he kick the sh*it out of all his fellow luchadores for five decades, Santo and his homie Blue Demon were also regularly called upon by local big-titted gals to beat the f*ck poo out of any nefarious supernatural perv-o that happened to be messin’ with them.

Werewolves, vampire women, disembodied brains, karate experts. . . all fell before the mighty manos of Santo on the silver screen – making him not only a folk hero, but the Mexican symbol of justice!

He never took off his mask while he was sexin’ up the ladies either.

El Santo will beat the f*ck poo out of you.

Published in: on August 1, 2007 at 4:16 pm  Comments (1)